Smooshed-Faced Stories: Starring Beeker the Pug— Part 1

Sunday, November 25, 2012


Beeker is my seven year old Pug and pretty much a great source of hilarity. Because he is so funny I thought I'd dedicate a blog post (Ok, it's going to be several blog posts) solely to him and all his smoosh-faced glory.

Harmless, right? Think again.


We (I say "we" like my husband gives a shit about the dog) got Beeker seven years ago from a lady who had seven Pugs and a wheelchair bound Dachshund. If you know anything about Pugs, this scenario is ridiculous. The shedding alone was obscene, not to mention the snorting and the smell. Even after witnessing (and smelling) what multiple Pugs can do to your home, I had a hard time leaving with just one. Now see, my old, fat, stinky Pug, Buddy, had just passed away, so I was left heartbroken. But after a glimpse at BJ and his "you've got to be effing kidding me face" I picked only one dog. Beeker! (His name was Luke. Lame.)

We brought him home and let him sleep in our bed, lay on the couch, we fed him from the table. We pretty much let him do whatever he wanted. In hind sight, this was a huge mistake.

Beeker now eats everything. He's obsessed with food, rotten, old, stale, out of a trash can, from the kitchen table, out of my kids hands, it doesn't matter. Here is a running list of things he's eaten:
Half a dozen donuts, the contents of a Christmas stocking, a dozen fully decorated sugar cookies, a bag of Hostess powdered donettes, a box of mint melt-aways, a large cheese pizza, a bag of 30 gumballs with wrappers, all the tomatoes from my garden, a box of Ritz crackers, underpants, dirty diapers, two dozen foil wrapped chocolate coins, the list is ENDLESS!

Now I know what you're thinking, "Why does she leave food all over house?" I don't. Beeker is beyond talented, actually his ability to snag food is unreal. He has Go-Go Gadget paws or something. He just gets on his hind legs and slaps his paw around on the counter, kitchen table or whatever until he finds something. 90% of the time he finds the food on his own. The other 10% he snags from my poor unsuspecting children.

On to my first Beeker story. 

This year, a few weeks before Halloween, my kids and my husband sat down at the kitchen table and carved a pretty rockin' Greg Heffley (Diary of a Wimpy Kid) pumpkin. Now, where we live, there is an extreme amount of squirrels and raccoons. They, like Beeker, eat everything. So instead of putting the pumpkin on display on our front porch, we felt it wise to keep it in the house. This way the little critters wouldn't have a chance to gnaw the shit out of it before Halloween. I'm sure you can see where I am heading with this.

So, BJ put the pumpkin on a buffet in our living room. Set back fairly far, but still able to be seen by our kids. It sat in this same position for a few days without any disturbance.

While I was at work shaping the minds of young children, BJ was conquering the world of lab supplies in his plush home office. (I say plush, because I am sure he was folding fluffy bath towels while negotiating contract pricing.) But back to the story...BJ hears a bonk come from upstairs. He quickly does a mental check: Big kid at school-check. Babysitter and little kid at park-check. Wifey at work-check. That leaves one suspect. Beeker.

As BJ comes up the stairs he hears the tell-tale snuffling of a Pug eating. There is Beeker eating Greg Heffley! Before BJ could stop him he had eaten the entire carved portion of the pumpkin. Now, you'd think Beeker would back off or run, but no. He actually chased BJ into the kitchen and then cried at the counter where BJ set the half-eaten pumpkin.

Thankfully, my kids are used to Beeker's stupidity so the devastation was minimal. So much for being worried about the squirrels.


Here is one last picture of Beeker in all his glory.  Enjoy!

And be on the lookout for Part 2: Beeker vs. the Roomba.

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