Dear Snow, I hate you!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The only thing missing from this
picture is me flipping the snow
off from inside my mitten

I have an irrational hatred of snow. As the first snowfall of the season looms over the Chicago area, I am once again inundating with feelings of utter hatred. It's not only the snow that I so deeply despise, it's the cold and the seemly never-ending darkness that comes with winter.

There are many factors that play into my distaste for snow.

1. The fact that Chicagoans suddenly lose all sense of driving ability as soon as that first effing flake appears. Now there are two types of snow drivers. The ones that go into panic mode and drive so freakin' slow that a grandma using a walker could pass them. The second being those assholes who are in such a hurry that they drive like an extra from the Fast and the Furious. Rarely do you find the in-between driver. The cautious, yet sensible one. But, I do get it, sometimes you need to take on the characteristics of the panicked driver, say like when there is 12 feet of snow. 

One of my favorite winter moments came two years ago when I encountered Vin Diesel in a Nissan Versa (aka: a roller skate with seats). This was during the Snowpocalypse. If you are unfamiliar with term, it was when winter made Chicago its bitch and dropped 24 inches of snow. I was on my way home from work and the snow was blowing so badly that 
I couldn't see a thing. There were cars spinning out and people stuck, streets were blocked and roads were left unplowed. It was quite a scene. I take a rarely traveled road to and from work that runs through a forest preserve most of the way. My quiet road was not plowed. Not surprised, so I proceeded with caution. Driving at a quick clip of 35 miles per hour. Thinking this was sensible since said road was covered with at least 6 inches of snow. Vin in his green Versa hauls up behind me. Throwing his arms around, swearing at me and just being an all around dick. He slams on the gas petal, flies around me and disappears into the white oblivion. I few minutes later I come across his trusty roller skate. It's wedged in a snow bank on the side of the road. Now, I would never wish anyone harm, so when I saw that Vin was all right I had to fist pump the air. Serves him right. (Not sure if this needs to be said but it obviously wasn't actually Vin Diesel.)

2. Another thing that pisses me off about snow is the predictions and the overreactions from the weather reporters and the public in general. Everyone panic! We are getting snow of epic proportions! Stock up on shovels, snow blowers, canned foods, drinking water! You may never leave your house again! News flash- It's fucking snow. It will melt. The first snowfall of the season usually elicits this response. This year is no different.

3. Snow days, yep I don't like them. Yes, I'm a teacher and I don't like snow days, especially this year. If you don't already understand how a snow day works let me enlighten you. If my school cancels classes due to snow we have to make up the day at the end of the school year. This school year my last day is Friday, May 24th. That would mean I would have to come back to work on a random Tuesday before beginning my summer break. (Monday is Memorial Day which would make a snow day even suckier)  So, snow days, you can suck it this year!

As the first snow is nearing the Chicago area I ask everyone to drive like assholes, but more importantly, stock up on canned food and drinking water booze.  God knows I'm gonna need it if I'm trapped inside my house with my two kids and a yard full of freezing cold frozen shit.

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