Smooshed-Faced Stories: Starring Beeker the Pug with Guest Appearances by Oscar the Cat— Part 3

Sunday, December 9, 2012


I once read that a dog will eat its owner if the owner dies in the home. Macabre, I know, but it got me thinking. 

So cute, yet somehow I think he
is planning my demise.


Beeker, literally eats everything. Just last week, Beeker pulled a diaper bag from the closet, dragged it into the hallway and tore through it. Consuming, two bags of fruit snacks (wrappers and all), an entire box of Annie's bunny cheese crackers and an unused disposable diaper. I'm sure you're thinking I should have rushed him to the vet. Hell no! The first few times he ate random shit from strange locations, we did but not anymore. Vets are obscenely expensive and ridiculously judgmental. "You have to be more responsible. Chocolate is poisonous to dogs. His nose wrinkle is filthy. You need to brush his teeth.  You owe us a thousand dollars for nose wrinkle cream." Blah, blah, blah. I totally should have gotten a cat. They're self cleaning. (But they have their own evil ways. I'll get to that later.)


After reading that dogs have no loyalty to anything but food, I kind of began to fear Beeker. I now sleep with my bedroom door closed because I have convinced myself that Beeker may eat me after a few hours of non-movement (i.e. in my sleep). I even wonder sometimes if he's plotting my death when his food is placed in his bowl a few minutes late.
The moral here is that Beeks only acts like he loves me and when he sleeps he dreams of eating me. (I used to think he dreamt of chasing squirrels and meeting other Pugs. So much for that.)



On to my thoughts about getting a sweet, biscuit making, sand pooping, self-cleaning cat. My friend, Kri has two cats. One is mildly normal and the other is the spawn of Satan. Not so much in that, "downright evil" way, but in a more conniving and "I'm gonna kill you secretly" way. I am pretty sure Oscar is plotting to kill her in her sleep. (Hopefully Oscar isn't cahoots with Beeker or she's definitely a goner.) Oscar wakes her at bizarre times, kneading her face (small paws make suffocation difficult), purring and meowing. He stares at her all hours of the day from weird locations in her house. She has even gone as far to refer to him as "the asshole", but like me, she loves that stupid little animal.


Only time will tell if Beeks will eat me or if Kri will be smothered by Oscar's paws. Either way, they're here to stay.  Coincidence that they both have smooshed faces?  I think not.

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